January 2, 2013 Day Two
- Mood: Uneasy
Watching: Pretty Little Liars
Listening: Jason Aldean
Reading: Lockdown: Escape from Furnace by Alexander Gordon Smith
- Movie Want to See: Les Misérables
Relationship Mood: So/So
Exercise Goal: 30 minutes on Elliptical Machine
(Exercise Goal met at 3:30pm)
Well went to the barn to drop off my horses boarding monthly payment. He gave me horsey kisses and hugs made me feel great but when I saw he finally had his name plaque it said he was a Tennessee Walker instead of his real breed a Missouri Fox Trotter. So I left a note hope the boarding owner doesn’t take offense to it. Also got some nice X-mas gifts from Deb ( the owner) and Kristi, Magic’s owner. Fought with my boyfriend about his same ole problems can’t wait till his anti-depressants start working. Feel guilty about eating at longhorns after I looked at the eating calories chart. I ate the Grilled Strawberry salad and a bowel of baked potato soup. Hope it wasn’t like a million calories… :”( Salad was suppose to be healthy… I need to clean the house major again which I really dread doing, including the dishes laundry and all the Betty Crocker crap. I just wanna veg out which I know I can’t I need the weight off, I don’t even wanna be intimate with my boyfriend anymore. Friday I have to go drop off a disc of pictures that I did for a client and I also plan on buying the stuff to make motivation jars. I also want to actually write in my book today instead of three crappy sentences like yesterday.
On the relationship front I am so tired of his soullessness, his constant saying he’s trying to love me, he’s always been this way. That”our” house is really his house, he always throws it in my face. That he could get rid of me at a moments notice. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells trying to appease a god that could strike me with his wrath and scoop me from my happiness back to the dark place I was before I met him. I want my fiancé back from four years ago, the one who told me he loved me and I believed him, he didn’t try to emotionally hurt me, he actually gave a crap instead of scaring me… The one who cried when he thought I didn’t love him anymore or went crazy with anger when I was confused about us and broke it off for a time. I know I’m far away from being perfect but… I have always loved him and always will and I refuse to give up on him I think he’s just a manic depressive who doesn’t know what hes feeling as a result of his PTSD he contracted after his involvement as a soldier in Operation Iraqi Freedom.
(Goal for the Summer): Become the horseback rider I always wanted to be.
Plans for the Day: Clean up the house, do laundry, write some in my book.